Umm...communicating! On the same note, I wish I’d known that sharing how you really feel--when you feel it--is actually better than either letting it fizzle or assuming your spouse will figure it out. Whether you’re happy, sad, uncomfortable with a decision, voice it. Boy, we’d have avoided so many lousy nights had I been good at this day 1!

Consequently, I wish I’d learned the “I feel ____ when ____”. We learned after our married years that when conflict arises, it’s best to address from your perspective (“I felt sad when my birthday was forgotten”) rather than accusatory (“you forgot my birthday”.) When you communicate with “I” first and not “you”, it’s actually a total win-win.

I wish I’d known the importance of continual self care and discovery--learning more about yourself, what you need to thrive and sharing that with your spouse is vital. It was probably one of the best things for a counselor to 1) point out the differences in our personalities 2) tell us that they were okay and 3) help us find and prioritize “self care”. I wish we’d known earlier how to guard this time for ourselves and each other so that we could love one another and others better. 

On that note, I wish we’d known our Enneagram #s sooner! We are probably as opposite as they get: I’m a 2, and Jordan is a 5. Basically, I thrive on helping others and connectivity while Jordan is self-sufficient, independent and refuels from being by himself. Yikes! 

And piggy-backing off of THAT, I wish more people, including ourselves 5 years ago, knew that counseling was for everyone - not just when the house is burning down. A counselor helped us navigate the differences of our personalities, equipped us with communication tools and essentially breathed hope and joy back into our marriage.