December 8, 2016
Whew! These past 9 months have been quite a whirlwind of emotions. We’ve experienced the highest of the highs and unfortunately some pretty low lows as we’ve been preparing for our baby boy.
As we are within the 1 week mark from our due date of December 12th, I’m experiencing many emotions. Cue the hormones–ha! I can definitely see how those things are very REAL. But honestly, I feel pretty thankful that for the most part, my pregnancy has felt pretty even keel. Well, maybe the middle chunk of it up until a couple weeks ago!
When we first found out we were pregnant, I experienced a lot of highs and lows. And before I dig a little deeper into this, I want to completely acknowledge my mixture of hormones with selfishness. Selfishness in that I was completely comfortable with what our current lives looked like. Jordan and I have dreamed about starting a family since before we were married, because we felt we couldn’t do anything more beneficial with our lives. Loving on, sharing with, nurturing and parenting children who can grow up to experience adventures and impact/serve others themselves? Sounds incredible.
But.
As I tend to always do, I had a plan and my own timing for when this might happen. Though, I also had trust issues with this, as well, due to an early diagnosis of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) when I was in high school. Even though I managed it throughout the years, I still wasn’t sure what God had in store for us regarding children.
And, you guys, His plan was better. I honestly struggled to wrap my mind around just how our lives would change (for the better) those first couple months we knew we were pregnant. I struggled to see how good He was to bless us with this child and when He did. I felt unprepared, guilt for actually being able to conceive, so grateful I was able to, overwhelmed, sad, excited, unsure, and many more emotions in between. At the time, I couldn’t see how I was ready to be a mom. A wise friend of mine told me that God gives us 9 months to prepare, and boy, was she right. I had no idea that 9 months later, I would feel so ready to welcome this baby boy into our crazy, adventurous lives and with such a deep, ferocious love for him and his daddy.
I’m unconfidently sharing this, because I did with close friends in the beginning, and because I was honest with others, I found that this feeling of uncertainty isn’t all that uncommon. Pregnancy can be such a sensitive subject, and I completely acknowledge that. I honestly used to become protective when people asked me when we were going to have kids before we were pregnant for fear that I may not be able to. There are emotions and strings attached all over, and I totally see that. It’s such a beautiful yet extremely sensitive thing.
To be honest, I healthily grieved the life I knew that was Jordan and mine, because in the beginning, I was shocked and aware of how it would change. When seasons in life change, there’s reason to grieve, and in this case, it seemed the most bizarre.
And yet again, my best friend Meg Donica, who’s a counselor, encouraged me to go through this process, because feeling is fine, and unfortunately, it’s how I felt.
She encouraged, “God invites us to join alongside Him on the journey no matter what our feelings, thoughts, concerns or desires. Giving people permission to feel their feelings, think their thoughts, mull over their concerns and plead their desires is always the goal. It’s necessary. It IS the process. Honesty with ourselves and others about the deep places helps us sift through the mess. And the mess is so good, because without it, we don’t land at places like acceptance, excitement, TRUE, deep joy and anticipation”.
So, so good. I walked through this, felt and accepted. Much like any transition in life.
I began to have dreams of myself of Jordan holding our baby. Literally. I saw him and felt him in my dreams. This image that I will get to witness oh so soon. It’s mind-blowing.
Even in my dreams, he was a boy, which was special confirmation when we went for our anatomy scan ultrasound. The feeling of holding him in my dreams is also what God used to prepare and fill my heart with feelings of love, joy and peace. It was incredible. It was a process. As embarrassed as I was to share these initial feelings of insecurity in my last blog post about our glory in the grieving, God used that season to bring me even closer to our unborn child. So much closer. Hearing this news made me even more grateful and in love with this boy.
Those feelings of protectiveness and love only grew for him during that time. Though, I also felt angry with God. Why would I have dreams of holding my baby only to find out a few days later that he may be terminal? But He was sovereign. I look back and see why. In hindsight, I’m so thankful for this entire process, because each step has its part in making me grow closer in love and protectiveness to our son. I completely see His sovereignty in it all. All of it.
This little boy is truly our greatest adventure–which just so happened to be the perfect nursery theme–for more reasons than one. But these reasons are actually longer and a bit more significant, so I plan to share them in another blog!
For today, I write this with such a content, peaceful and grateful heart. I can honestly say I’ve never been in a more exciting season. I’m trying to be present and not rush it. While fear can still tend to creep in during doctor’s appointments, I know that the Lord is sovereign, and He has already had this plan in the making. He has a plan for our family, and I’m amazed by His timing. This little baby boy has already taught his mommy so much that I honestly can’t imagine what other lessons and adventures he has in store for us! 🙂
What an incredible season I’m looking back on and continuing to savoring right now!
Lauren Guy Photography blessed us with these maternity pictures, and we are so grateful to have these to look back on and remember such an incredible time in our lives. Pink Blush Maternity is where my dress is from, and I’m telling you, it was so hard to choose from there many cute selections online! Lastly, a big thank you to the Makeup Zone for making me feel lovely with my hair and makeup!
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